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07 October 2005 @ 06:31 pm
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Today was probably the most randomest day of my life. I can't finish my book!!!! It's driving me crazy and I just want to scream! I want to bang my head on the stupid desk, to make a depression song? Whatever! I neeeeeed to work on it. I keep getting those awesome ideas, dammit, and you know what? They vanish into thin air once I get a paper and pen or get on my computer! I've decided on another thing I'm going to do besides becoming an author. *You guys look at me like I'm crazy* I'm going to take self-defense-classes. You never know when you'll get threatened or some gross sicko guy (or lesbian, either or) will try and rape you. And now you're wondering, "What genre is Gabby going to be writing?" Actually, all kinds. Mystery, science fiction, romance, adventure, and all those other one-a-ma-bobs. Right now, I'm focusing on finishing the romance section in the library. Going to take at least two months. It's not that I'm choosing this career just to piss Mom off, even though Lord knows that's part of the reason. Nah, I've always written/made up stories, even though about.... sixty percent of the time I don't remember them. I even got tapes, if they're still around from when I was six, that had some short stories in it. Oh yeah, that's another thing. I'm writing short stories. Three different stories in one book kind of thing. Tim is here, so I may as well start griping about him on here :D.

Tim is okay, I'll admit. But he teases me too much, and he's racist. And that annoys me so much. He thinks I'm going out with Tray and Darius (note the AND not OR), and neither is true. Thanks so much Sarah, for putting that friggin' idea in his stupid head you dumb stupid... Anyway, he's annoying. Sarah was right about that :P. See, he seriously acts like I'm stupid. Okay, so am pretty stupid, but not that stupid. Secondly! It so isn't my fault about my body. Hey, I'd gladly get boob reduction... when I'm older. But the thing is I don't have enough money. I want some chocolate! It drives me crazy!!!! Hot cocoa... how I want hot cocoa. Need some kind of song... something. I'm driving myself crazy with all of things that's going on. I haven't had a day's rest since the second 'date' that Tim and Sarah had. And I'm so tired, hungry, and just plain annoyed that my whole mind is screaming "Gabby, you're being used! Why don't you quit?!" I would, except for one thing. The thing is, I have two options. One is that I listen to those personal comments Tim makes about me, listen to the teasing that those idiots give me, OR listen to Mom bitch all day. Not much choice. Too bad I'd rather do neither. I'd rather just sit on my butt all day, watch some PG-13 movies, play Neopets, and read my fiction books. Too bad dreams aren't reality. Life would be boring if it was though.
 
 
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20 September 2005 @ 08:25 pm
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18 September 2005 @ 08:31 pm
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16 September 2005 @ 09:13 pm
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Currently Under Construction...
 
 
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09 September 2005 @ 04:22 pm
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Everyone/thing is nuts. No, I'm seriously serious. My lips burn, icy burn so it's in a good way. See I have this chapped lips stuff on that looks like lip gloss, and it's not, but I have to wear it contantly now because of the fact that my lips chap really easy. So I still can't think of what I'm going to say to Taylor... when--if--he asks me to become his girlfriend. Personally, I'm hoping he doesn't. I'm even avoiding him. Seriously. I never thought I'd live to the day I'd avoid a guy over something so stupid. So I keep playing out my rejection towards him, see I have no intention of saying yes, unless he has that charming way about him that some guys do... hope I'm not so blind, frickiddy. It's not really jitters. I have a cold, a pretty bad one, and I don't want to let anyone else catch it so I stay inside, so that gives me a real reason. Second, Why should I give a (BEEEPPP) if a guy asks me out? I don't want a short term thing. I mean, I don't want to automatically have a commitment, but I also don't want it to be a one week, two week thang. And then again, I sorta do. I don't want to care, at all. Everyone here knows that sure. Thing is, everyone thinks I regret not caring in the past. I want to make one thing perfectly clear::: I'm human. I regret. I can't help that.

I regret giving Lee away. I regret getting the kittens, I regret things I've done in the past. But I have not ever regretted not wanting to care, never regretted the person I've turned into, never regretted not crying at any funeral, never ever ever regretted giving someone the cold shoulder. Never. I suspect, not certain, that if Sarah or someone like that died, sure I'd cried. Or I wouldn't until I was alone and be sobbing so badly that my whole body would be shaking. And I will never regret a ralationship. Never. Okay, so I might, but neither of us can be sure, can we? Until it happens, anyway. See, I will have casual relationships for at least a while, but I want to be sure when I find Mr. Right. Man, that sounds so... fairytalish... More like Gabby's Dude or something. That's what I want. And in books that happens like a snap. Too bad this isn't a book, no? Ah well... I guess I can't help what I am.
 
 
 
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07 September 2005 @ 08:31 pm
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I guess I shouldn't give a damn,
That much is true.
I guess I shouldn't care,
Like that's easy to do.
Seriously, you were my friend,
And for a while I thought there,
Hey, so what if he's a jerk,
So what if he's who knows where,
We're friends, so there.

That's all I wanted to be,
But these last two days,
I felt so much tenseness
That I had to cut to the chase.
See, I hadn't the slightest clue about that,
And I really am sorry.

If we don't ever speak again,
Or if you're really Colby,
I guess that's okay...
But the Colby part, not really.
Frick, Darius. This is all your fault.
Makin' me care if you're actually alive...
Why did you have to make me sad?
Well, not sad, just had to put that in...

Anyway, I don't love love you,
I'm not even in lust, hate to break it
To you, sorry, Dearest.
Yeah, I got into the habit of callin'
You that, after my little joke...
Okay, so you didn't find it funny,
So I'm sorry for that too.

All my emotions are mixed.
I'm so angry at you and
Yet, I'm happy to talk...
Yeah, I know I'm messed up.
And truly, I don't give a damn
About your girls, k?
I guess I did that just to
Get on your nerves, k?

Also, another thing, I want you to know.
Through all those conversations...
I was laughing, smiling, all the time...
Except for these past two or three...
Those I almost wanted to cry.
You'll probably be back tomorrow,
And if you are, I'll suck it up,
Give you this URL and say Bonviouje!
Or however you spell it....
Yeah, I'll give this URL to you...
Before I lose the guts to.

If that's what you want me to do.
You think I like you?
Frick, how many times do I have to say?
Just as a friend, a friend.
I seriously wanted to work out
Our problems, and be friends
Through and through.
Then again, I wonder if that matters to you.
Probably never had a girlfriend...
Or have you?

Anyway, you'll probably laugh at all this
And I probably will too... cuz ya know what?
This isn't my best to you...
Or for anyone else, if that matters at all...
I really do---did---look forward to my
Evening chats with you, and you told me
You did too. So were you lying?
Probably not at the time...

Frick why didn't I take a hint that time?
I'll shut up now, cuz I've got a headache.
You probably have one too, or maybe it's heartache.
Nevermind. Frick this is over.
TTYL... And Darius, try to stay sober.
 
 
Feeling: frustratedfrustrated
Song: Wake Me Up When September Ends
 
 
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05 September 2005 @ 07:15 pm
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I'm crying. Crying... And I know why. And then I don't. Oh crap..
 
 
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01 September 2005 @ 03:59 pm
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Nobody talks... Sometimes I wonder if I need new (keeping the old mind) friends... Ugh, I feel so annoyed with myself. Hey, chipper, what else is new? Ah, well. Maybe the problem with me isn't the fact that I'm annoyed, more or less... frick. I don't know. I mean, my emotions are so mixed up I wouldn't know a foot from a yard. Hey, already don't know that. LOL I'm serious. I totally suck at measurements. But anyway. My life is boring. Just got on to say hi. The only thing I do anymore is check this one chick's journal out and comment if anyone's even answered, and that's about it. Man, my life is screwed.
 
 
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30 August 2005 @ 06:24 pm
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Sometimes, I want to murder myself! Like now for instance! I'm driving myself crazy. I care way, way too much, and that's not for my benefit. I'm tellin' ya. I've gone too soft. I'm offically blaming Darius. Well, that made me sorta laugh. I know it can't be his fault. Or can it? Anyway. I'm thinking about going public for a while. Not with the huge problems, but with small things, you know Darius, poems, stuff like that. Anyway. Back to the softness problem. I actually blame myself and Darius. If Darius wasn't so freakin' insistant on talking to me in May, I never would have given a speck about him. Frick heads. But now. Three months after talking, okay so he talks nine tenths less than I do, but still. Three months after freakin' talking and teasing and joking and all that other crap (and no, we haven't even cyberkissed so there. :P) and now. He hasn't been on in a week and I'm not going to say it isn't driving me crazy, but it's not not driving me crazy. Okay, so I'm somewhere in between. I love talking to him. That is so not my fault people. Besides, *smiles slightly* he is, in his own way, sorta charming. At least he's usually truthful with me. I like honesty. That's what I totally hate about Sarah. She's never gives the whole, clean, truth. It drives me nutes.
 
 
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30 August 2005 @ 06:01 pm
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The first time in a long time that I've written a poem. I don't think I'll bother dedicating it. You guys do a pretty good job of doing that yourselves anyway. So. I'm such an idiot. Life ain't goin' so good with me. Sarah will correct me on my grammer again. But seriously, my life isn't goin' good. Since dropping out of school I constantly feel guilting, disappointed in myself, and just plain depressed. Just my luck that the day that I dropped out (give or take a few) Darius stopped talkin' to me. Huh. What a weird thing. Like he knew what I did. Sarah, you idiot.

I’m so scared to love,
So very, very scared
Don’t make me care,
Don’t make me share
My feelings to the world
My heart always breaks,
When I start caring so much

I can name a few things of
Just in a touch.
But then I started caring about
You, and letting go isn’t
Something easy to do
My heart always breaks,
Just like a twig would in the wind.

And I turn around and you aren’t there.
Not here, and not anywhere.
You let me down, just like all the rest
And made me feel like a pest
You are my friend,
Something that I just can’t change

I’ve tried hating you,
I’ve tried ignoring you,
And I’ve tried everything
Imaginative to you
I don’t love you…
Not in that way, I guess.
How can I?
I hardly know you,
And your ways I just can’t take

You know most of my problems,
You know, the easy small ones
I hold. Not the ones about my
Mother, sister, brother,
Like me girl friends know.

I didn’t feel special talking
To you, but I did get happy
For just a bit. An hour or two
Made my day, and I won’t deny it.

But when you got offline,
I felt annoyed and scared.
And my mind swirls with thoughts.
Of you, of me, of us
You’re a boy, that much is true,
But I don’t--couldn’t-- really love you
That’s what I think.

I think of conversations we might have.
You know, the tricks I might play,
About what I might say, and then I feel so sad.
I want to bang my head on a table.
For caring so much about all this...


But you say you love me,
And I can’t really tell.
This is the internet… hell…
Why am I feeling this way?
Why am I scared?
Besides that fact that I care

There I said it.
I care, I don’t know when
Or why it happened, but I care
And I’m scared to care.
After Lee, after all the sorrows
If you notice, I’ve shut myself away.
In a cave, so, so deep in a cave

I just want to run and hide.
Yes, you might say I’m a coward,
A chicken, or a scared-y cat.
Cuz it’s totally true.
I hate love. I hate everything about it.

You lose your way in love…
And think nothing of it.
I’m always blinded by tears.
And I’m blinded by sorrow.
Do you really think it’s in my heart,
To feel this way tomorrow?
And the day after that,
And the day after that,
And all the days leading up to my death.

Look, my father hurt my sister,
For cryin’ out loud
And I feel so wounded
And I feel as if I can’t be found.
I just want you to know,
That I think of you as a friend…
Maybe, just maybe, if you
Feel different…
Maybe if we met,
Were face-to-face…
And had a cup of hot cocoa
By the fireplace

Got to know each other,
And not physically, no
But got to know each other
You know, told each other
About our lives
And if it comes to something more,
We’d have to travel hundreds of miles Galore.

Oh boy, from one state to the next. Just
Travelin’ to see each other
What a total mess.
But if it did happen
If it truly did
If our supposal friendship
Became something more,
We had a fight, and broke up…
I would give you a kiss good-bye.
And leave without a glance.

I don’t know why
I’m even telling you this.
The chances are slim.
And life isn’t bliss.
My life, especially, has been hard.
Your life, who knows what it’s like

But anyway, I just want you to know
I do care if you’re all right,
Safe, alive, and there
But I don’t want to love you
Or anyone else
Not right now, not right now.
I can’t, because I hurt too much.
God, I got a long way to go.

And frick, dude, if you're
Colby, you're dead.
And now I'm scared.
 
 
Feeling: weirdweird